:(

This is how I am going to keep people updated with me now.

I was diagnosed December 23 with rectal cancer.

I still can’t believe it.

I have always been healthy, worked out like a fiend, have never been overweight, went and got all of my Pap smears and mammograms and they were perfect and I wait 3 years to get my baseline colonoscopy and boom:

I have cancer.

Not just any cancer. Rectal. This means I am going to have to radiate and chemo my backside and then have part of it removed.

I have no idea how I am going to get through this and I am scared.

Already I am tired of people telling me stuff like “keep the faith. Let go and let God.”

Anyone who knows me knows I don’t believe in God. Hearing that doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel worse. I WISH I could hang on to that kind of thing, but I know in my heart it’s not real.

I know people mean well.

I just want to be Susan again:

Bill’s wife who runs the house and waits for her husband to come home so we can eat dinner and hang out together and maybe go to our favorite restaurant and thrift shopping now and then.

The scoop for now:

4 cm rectal tumor, low, one suspicious node. Chemo and radiation and surgery in April.

Have I mentioned we never get sick or go to doctors?

I can’t believe this is my life now.